Part 1: Discovering the real me and finding love in the bargain

Ever since I realized my homoerotic self, all I wanted to do was settle down in the west and by west I mean, the United States of America. This prodigious dream was fulfilled on the late evening of Dec 15th, 2006.

I was walking out of the US consulate after having heard that a student visa had been bestowed upon me, and I was flabbergasted like never before. I ran chirping all the way outside to my father, who was so sure I would get it (his confidence surprised me!). The remaining fifteen days before my scheduled departure passed through so fast — with shopping and bidding farewell to all the people who meant so much in my life — that when the day came, I wasn’t even aware of its momentousness.

It was evening on the 31st of that same year, when everyone everywhere (including me) celebrated the beginning of another year, while I celebrated the beginning of something more special — my gay life.

It truly was the beginning of something big for me. After several parties, I arrived home by 11 pm to meet my Mom and Dad and a few friends who were waiting to go to the airport to see me off. I wasn’t sad, not one bit and I didn’t really know why. Maybe it was the relief of putting away all those years of closeted life, being called names and the rest of those problems most gay men face in India. I was actually happy that it was all ending, once and for all!

After twenty three hours of a blissful journey, I was finally at my destination with a student from the university waiting for my arrival. After having greeted each other, we took off towards the university. It was snowing outside, and this was the first time I had seen snow. It was angelic and made all my jitters that I had about the future disappear.

We reached our destination. The university looked stunning covered in snow, and though tired, I didn’t feel like stepping into the dorms. In no time, I was playing in the snow like a kid. It wasn’t until much later that I retired for the day.

In a couple of weeks I found myself getting adapted to the culture and started enjoying every bit of it. I finally had a job on campus that I loved doing and was getting engrossed with school. Yeah, that’s right, they call a graduate college a school!

With whatever money I had left at the end of the month, I went into malls with friends and exhausted my money buying the brands that I always wanted — Abercrombie, Hollister, American Eagle, D & G, Banana Republic, you name it, I bought it! I was as gay American as gay American can be!

I loved going into the university too, where I could ogle at the voluptuous variety of adolescent men that were available on any given day.

One fine day when I was cruising through the student centre after a tiring class, I ran into a girl distributing flyers to the students. She gave me one. It was multicoloured with words in gold talking about an event being held by the university’s LGBT organization. My heart gasped as soon as I saw the leaflet — this was all I ever wanted and I knew it existed in this university but couldn’t pull up the courage to go and attend one of their meetings.

So I started searching for other ways to be part of the queer crowd, the safest option being, logging onto a social dating website and looking for people I could chat and hang around with. I started chatting with few people who looked appealing but was hesitant to meet them as I still felt like a stranger in a foreign land.

In my quest of finding openly queer people I happened to run into a guy’s profile that I found to be very appealing. He was my Adonis. I wanted to message him but then again, my frail self-confidence caught up with me. I thought he was past my league, but to my surprise, I happened to run into the same person in the library the very next day. I was shocked to say the least, but couldn’t muster up enough courage to tell him who I was and look him in the eye.

The very next day I saw a message from him when I logged into the site and there he was. He said he had seen me around and that his name was Chris. Chris became the object of my dreams and fantasies from that day on…

Part -2 How I was so love-struck

Chris became the object of my dreams and fantasies from that day on. Chris and I began chatting quite a bit and before we knew it we got lured into a helpless pining for each other.  We exchanged numbers in no time and our calls began to get increasingly longer. I was in love with this guy’s voice. It seemed harder to keep talking to him without meeting him, and I knew I just had to meet him!

Several phone conversations, odd smiles on campus and embarrassing running into each other, I knew it was time. I wanted to meet him alone, tell him what I felt, but then again, I didn’t want to be the first one to do so. I guess I was scared of a rejection even though deep down I knew he liked me as much as I did. This I was convinced about.

But then it happened. One day, right out of the blue, he called and just blurted it out — “Would you like to go out with me? And it’s perfectly alright if you think it’s too early, I understand.” I didn’t know how to react, and like I always do, when in anticipation for something, I recoiled in exasperation. I mean I was happy, but I sure wasn’t convinced that this was actually happening.

I was as happy as happy could be and was I thankful that he asked me first, or what! I’d by then about had it with my premonitions of acting like a fool who was dying to meet him. I was so scared; I’d look like an imbecile and say or do something really silly, only because I wouldn’t know what to do!

Yes! I did say, ‘Yes!’ and added in the expected, ‘I would love to,’ to make me sound all confident. That’s all he was waiting for and he quickly asked, “So, Friday evening sounds good to you?”

Exasperated at it actually happening and since I love saying the wrong thing, I replied promptly too, “Sure, as long as it’s after five, but then again, how late do you think we’d get?” I just said those words and wished I could slap myself real hard. ‘Why do I always end up saying such stupid things?’ I thought to myself. Here was a good-looking guy whom I obviously had the hots for and I ask him, how late we’d be? God!

Well, my man came to the rescue and giggled (much to my embarrassment) and said, “I promise, I’ll drop you back by midnight.” I had to cover up, so like the excuse-maestro I am, I quickly added, “Oh! That’s OK, it’s just that I live with roommates and I’d like to let them know when I’ll be back.”

He said, “You and your roommates have nothing to worry about, just tell them you are going out with a class mate to study or something like that,” and then much to my already pink embarrassment added, “I am sure you would have made excuses before, don’t you think meeting me is worth making an excuse?”

I wanted to reach out through the phone and do everything I could possibly do to him right then, but instead chose to act like a well-behaved Indian and said, quite simply, “Oh totally!” He then asked me to text him my address and told me that he’d pick me up on Friday at 4.30 pm. Like that wasn’t enough he added the, “I can’t wait to meet you,” part and ensured I had sleepless nights all week.  

He hung up and I jumped up and down and did a little mad victory dance. The week flew by and the evening before the D Day, I went to a mall to get a haircut and probably buy some really nice clothes, because needless to say, I wanted to look my best. As I window shopped and hung around, I see a familiar face and guess who it turns out to be?

Walking towards me along with a girl is my love of the moment, the one and only Chris. He excuses himself from her and comes up to me and asks me the most obvious of questions that my mind just refuses to recollect. Why do you ask? Well, if you saw him in his plaid patterned jacket and his white graphic tee and his blue jeans, you’d know why! Not to mention his perfect jaw line, flawless skin, perfectly styled gelled hair and the way he smelled — I keep wondering how I contained my frenzied urge to lean over and kiss him. He looked so utopian, so flawless and so beautiful, that I couldn’t take my eyes off him or even speak. He was waiting for me to say something and I was still admiring him. Minutes passed of pointless conversation; we told each other how good the other one looked and how surprising it was to meet and then he also nodded to his friend waiting for him and she smiled back. He had told her about our date the next day. Wow! So he was as serious as I was about the whole thing.  

The hair dresser did something to my hair, and I don’t remember what I bought, all I knew was that I’d seen an angel and was looking forward to spending an evening with my Adonis the next day. I didn’t sleep that night and had to force myself to catch some winks, just so I wouldn’t look like shit, the next day…