Being Me

September 1, 2016

Part 1: Discovering the real me and finding love in the bargain

Ever since I realized my homoerotic self, all I wanted to do was settle down in the west and by west I mean, the United States of America. This prodigious dream was fulfilled on the late evening of Dec 15th, 2006.
I was walking out of the US consulate after having heard that a student visa had been bestowed upon me, and I was flabbergasted like never before. I ran chirping all the way outside to my father, who was so sure I would get it (his confidence surprised me!). The remaining fifteen days before my scheduled departure passed through so fast — with shopping and bidding farewell to all the people who meant so much in my life — that when the day came, I wasn’t even aware of its momentousness.
It was evening on the 31st of that same year, when everyone everywhere (including me) celebrated the beginning of another year, while I celebrated the beginning of something more special — my gay life.
It truly was the beginning of something big for me. After several parties, I arrived home by 11 pm to meet my Mom and Dad and a few friends who were waiting to go to the airport to see me off. I wasn’t sad, not one bit and I didn’t really know why. Maybe it was the relief of putting away all those years of closeted life, being called names and the rest of those problems most gay men face in India. I was actually happy that it was all ending, once and for all!
After twenty three hours of a blissful journey, I was finally at my destination with a student from the university waiting for my arrival. After having greeted each other, we took off towards the university. It was snowing outside, and this was the first time I had seen snow. It was angelic and made all my jitters that I had about the future disappear.
We reached our destination. The university looked stunning covered in snow, and though tired, I didn’t feel like stepping into the dorms. In no time, I was playing in the snow like a kid. It wasn’t until much later that I retired for the day.
In a couple of weeks I found myself getting adapted to the culture and started enjoying every bit of it. I finally had a job on campus that I loved doing and was getting engrossed with school. Yeah, that’s right, they call a graduate college a school!
With whatever money I had left at the end of the month, I went into malls with friends and exhausted my money buying the brands that I always wanted — Abercrombie, Hollister, American Eagle, D & G, Banana Republic, you name it, I bought it! I was as gay American as gay American can be!
I loved going into the university too, where I could ogle at the voluptuous variety of adolescent men that were available on any given day.
One fine day when I was cruising through the student centre after a tiring class, I ran into a girl distributing flyers to the students. She gave me one. It was multicoloured with words in gold talking about an event being held by the university’s LGBT organization. My heart gasped as soon as I saw the leaflet — this was all I ever wanted and I knew it existed in this university but couldn’t pull up the courage to go and attend one of their meetings.
So I started searching for other ways to be part of the queer crowd, the safest option being, logging onto a social dating website and looking for people I could chat and hang around with. I started chatting with few people who looked appealing but was hesitant to meet them as I still felt like a stranger in a foreign land.
In my quest of finding openly queer people I happened to run into a guy’s profile that I found to be very appealing. He was my Adonis. I wanted to message him but then again, my frail self-confidence caught up with me. I thought he was past my league, but to my surprise, I happened to run into the same person in the library the very next day. I was shocked to say the least, but couldn’t muster up enough courage to tell him who I was and look him in the eye.
The very next day I saw a message from him when I logged into the site and there he was. He said he had seen me around and that his name was Chris. Chris became the object of my dreams and fantasies from that day on…
August 1, 2016

Part -2 How I was so love-struck

Chris became the object of my dreams and fantasies from that day on. Chris and I began chatting quite a bit and before we knew it we got lured into a helpless pining for each other.  We exchanged numbers in no time and our calls began to get increasingly longer. I was in love with this guy’s voice. It seemed harder to keep talking to him without meeting him, and I knew I just had to meet him!

Several phone conversations, odd smiles on campus and embarrassing running into each other, I knew it was time. I wanted to meet him alone, tell him what I felt, but then again, I didn’t want to be the first one to do so. I guess I was scared of a rejection even though deep down I knew he liked me as much as I did. This I was convinced about.

But then it happened. One day, right out of the blue, he called and just blurted it out — “Would you like to go out with me? And it’s perfectly alright if you think it’s too early, I understand.” I didn’t know how to react, and like I always do, when in anticipation for something, I recoiled in exasperation. I mean I was happy, but I sure wasn’t convinced that this was actually happening.

I was as happy as happy could be and was I thankful that he asked me first, or what! I’d by then about had it with my premonitions of acting like a fool who was dying to meet him. I was so scared; I’d look like an imbecile and say or do something really silly, only because I wouldn’t know what to do!

Yes! I did say, ‘Yes!’ and added in the expected, ‘I would love to,’ to make me sound all confident. That’s all he was waiting for and he quickly asked, “So, Friday evening sounds good to you?”

Exasperated at it actually happening and since I love saying the wrong thing, I replied promptly too, “Sure, as long as it’s after five, but then again, how late do you think we’d get?” I just said those words and wished I could slap myself real hard. ‘Why do I always end up saying such stupid things?’ I thought to myself. Here was a good-looking guy whom I obviously had the hots for and I ask him, how late we’d be? God!

Well, my man came to the rescue and giggled (much to my embarrassment) and said, “I promise, I’ll drop you back by midnight.” I had to cover up, so like the excuse-maestro I am, I quickly added, “Oh! That’s OK, it’s just that I live with roommates and I’d like to let them know when I’ll be back.”

He said, “You and your roommates have nothing to worry about, just tell them you are going out with a class mate to study or something like that,” and then much to my already pink embarrassment added, “I am sure you would have made excuses before, don’t you think meeting me is worth making an excuse?”

I wanted to reach out through the phone and do everything I could possibly do to him right then, but instead chose to act like a well-behaved Indian and said, quite simply, “Oh totally!” He then asked me to text him my address and told me that he’d pick me up on Friday at 4.30 pm. Like that wasn’t enough he added the, “I can’t wait to meet you,” part and ensured I had sleepless nights all week.  

He hung up and I jumped up and down and did a little mad victory dance. The week flew by and the evening before the D Day, I went to a mall to get a haircut and probably buy some really nice clothes, because needless to say, I wanted to look my best. As I window shopped and hung around, I see a familiar face and guess who it turns out to be?

Walking towards me along with a girl is my love of the moment, the one and only Chris. He excuses himself from her and comes up to me and asks me the most obvious of questions that my mind just refuses to recollect. Why do you ask? Well, if you saw him in his plaid patterned jacket and his white graphic tee and his blue jeans, you’d know why! Not to mention his perfect jaw line, flawless skin, perfectly styled gelled hair and the way he smelled — I keep wondering how I contained my frenzied urge to lean over and kiss him. He looked so utopian, so flawless and so beautiful, that I couldn’t take my eyes off him or even speak. He was waiting for me to say something and I was still admiring him. Minutes passed of pointless conversation; we told each other how good the other one looked and how surprising it was to meet and then he also nodded to his friend waiting for him and she smiled back. He had told her about our date the next day. Wow! So he was as serious as I was about the whole thing.  

The hair dresser did something to my hair, and I don’t remember what I bought, all I knew was that I’d seen an angel and was looking forward to spending an evening with my Adonis the next day. I didn’t sleep that night and had to force myself to catch some winks, just so I wouldn’t look like shit, the next day…
July 1, 2016

Part 3 All that I wished for

I woke up around 6 am that day with whatever sleep I could get and walked out of my room. My roommate looked way too surprised and asked me ‘How did a late bloomer like me woke up so early that day’. We laughed about it and carried on with our respective days. I had two classes that day and needless to say, I was restless. It wasn’t mainly cause I liked him a lot, which I surprisingly did, but more cause, this was my first ever real date as back from where I came from, real dates between gay men was still a dream.

I reached back into the room at about 4 0’ clock in the evening. I rushed into the shower, got dolled up and stared for a long time at the mirror to see if I looked good but I felt comparatively ugly when his thought crossed my mind. I made up a story to my roommates telling them that I was off for a night out, studying at a friend’s place
It was almost 5 when he called, telling me that he would be there in not less than 5 minutes and wanted me to wait outside by then. I was out wearing a white Abercrombie Tee with a black fleece and denims along with air prettily styled, anxiously waiting for his arrival and wondering what the evening held ahead.

He drives by in his very neatly kept car, parks it to the pavement, gets down with what looks like a pack of chocolates and walks towards me looking so cute in a maroon shirt with denim and nice shoes. He walked up to me and apologized for making me wait and gave me the chocolates he was holding and I felt like a fool for not having picked up anything for him. I told him he looked very cute which was totally an understatement and gave him a hug and he pecked on my cheek for which my whole body shook for a second when his tender lips touched my cheek. He asked if I was ready to hit the road and opened the door for me. He was three years younger than I was but was a gentleman nonetheless.

We took off and he asked me, if I would love to listen to any music and I said, I would rather like talking to him than listening to music and he nodded to it and started talking about our lives. We had been driving for what seemed like 15 minutes and hence, I asked him where were we off to and he replied, “Leave that to me. Sit back and relax!” We kept talking about our careers, our interests and it felt so good to know that we had a lot in common and I loved whatever differences we had. After about another ten‐minute drive, we were at Warren’s and we took a huge drive to reach something which was not so far‐ that’s when I thought may be he loved the company as much as I did.

We walked into the booking counter and he asked me what movie I wished to see. We looked at what was playing and before even reading the rest of the list, we zeroed on Music and Lyrics, which was about to start in ten minutes.

We entered the hall, walked till our seats with popcorn and soda in our hands and started watching such an amazing movie. We talked in between from time to time about the actors we liked and it was a great time spent with a great person. We then walked out of the hall holding hands which felt really good, as I never had a man hold my hand in a certain way and lead me and I knew it was a little early for holding hands and  walking out, but I liked it. He asked me how I liked the movie and I said, “I simply loved it and couldn’t have asked for better movie”.

And I asked him if he planned on taking me to Music and lyrics before we stepped in. He smiled and said, Yes I wanted to watch this movie and couldn’t have asked for a better company to watch it with”.Saying that, he once again held my hand and we walked towards the car and I asked him what was next.He gave me options this time. He said we could either go for a long drive and have dinner later or go to some bar or lounge and then have dinner later.

I wondered if he was old enough to enter a bar and he smiled and said, “I have my ways to get in and we would go to bars I frequent”. I said a drive would have been better but since it was snowing, I 
suggested we go for a bar he knew. We walked into this Gay Bar where a lot of people were hanging out and most of them smiled or greeted Chris as he walked in and looked at us and I dreaded having asked him to take me here, but still went and sat on a table next to the juke box.

We started talking and right then, a guy came over and offered us drinks and gave Chris a hug and asked if he could join us, as he knew Chris. Chris politely said that we would join him later on and that was when the bouncer came and ID’d me and I showed him my id and he greeted Chris and left. I didn’t like it a bit. Chris asked me if I wanted to go someplace else, but I said I was fine and he said, “Ok” and before we were done with our first drink, there were a few more guys who came up to Chris to talk. He turned up to me when we were alone at the table and said, “We should get going as there is a lot of disturbance” and we walked out.
He then politely said, it was a bad idea to have suggested this place and told me how he had noticed the
discomfort in my eyes and apologized. I forgot everything that bothered me in there, and the feeling of “how I so wanted to rush out”.

We drove towards a Mediterranean restaurant and they had live music, which was so nice. Although I wasn’t much of a jazz fan, it still gave me that dream‐come‐true feeling, as it was turning out to be an amazing date. He was a gentleman throughout the time we dined and after that, on the way back home, his hand was on the wheel and the other was holding my hand and we started talking about all sorts of things.

I was dreading that the night was almost over as we halted near my apartment and I was getting down the car and just then, he pulls my hand and pulls me in and I turn back inside and sit back. He pulls me closer and kisses me passionately and says, “It was my best date in a while and would wish to call this a date and would love to see you again.” He asked me to be seated. He got down, opened the car door for me and gave me a huge hug and told that he had to rush home, as he left his dog unattended and it’s been long, other wise he would have loved spending some more time and got back in to the car and left. I was standing there, the Happiest man on earth! That was it‐ The Best Date of My Life. 

March 2, 2011

Can't Breath

Its back, I am sitting here among people, who are smoking up dancing and having a good time and so am I until I felt it reach my nostril. The moment it did I was lost in myself once more. It isn't the first time so I can fake it better but it never comes with a warning, a reason, a hint and as always makes me lost in myself.

This has been happening from the past 3 years which was the last time It filled me up the last time I really loved the fragrance that I smelled off of you. I love the way you smell the same smell,odor, fragrance,perfume that keeps coming back out of nowhere I can feel  my face hurt as your scent touches my nostril, my inners crunch.

I know, my mind knows that you are no where close for the scent to be here. I keep telling myself that I am making this up in my head but it just comes out of no where and takes me by surprise and there I am lost again.

My friends who know about it think I am going crazy, that I am hallucinating or that i have already lost it or that I am being a super drama queen or that I should go see someone.  But I don't want to cause even though it hurts and pains I like it, long for it lust for it Its better than any feeling I have ever had, any time I ever spent in these past three years.

I know that I need to stop it, stop thinking of him but how do I stop something that I have no control upon How do I try stop something that starting to become a lifeline. I live you in my head every time it happens I live us when it happens .My skin burns but still I some where wish it comes back which it does because the burning sensation makes me live and feel more alive then I do.

May be you who reads his think I am crazy think I will never get over that person or never be with him anymore I wish I knew what I want